Just got the news. My resumé has expired. My resumé is no more! It has ceased to be! It’s expired and gone to meet the shredder! It’s torn! Bereft of Curriculum Vitae, it rests in the circular file! IT IS AN EX-RESUMÉ!!
Yes that’s right, apparently my resumé isn’t good enough anymore to bother keeping it posted on a certain one of the job sites on the internet. In the old days, I would put my resumé on a site like Monster (which, by the way, has not killed my resume yet) and I would get thirty phone calls the next day. Now my resumé sits out there in the internet wasteland, and the only thing I receive is a note from a website telling me that my resumé has expired. Probably suicide from lack of attention.
This reminds me of the time my wife’s fingerprints expired. Yes that’s right! Her fingerprints expired. You see my wife is one of ‘dem ‘dere foreigners. Forced to register with the Immigration and Naturalization Service in order to be a resident of the United States.
During the process of making the application, we had to have her fingerprints taken. The funny thing was that we went down to the INS office and they had just gotten their new super cool electronic scanner so that ink pads were a thing of the past. Only the technicians had not yet arrived to install the hardware. So they had to whip out the ink pads. Now here’s the fun part. All of the employees were relatively new and had been trained on the new hardware. Hence none of them knew how to roll a finger on blotting paper worth a damn. We waited for hours while the supervisor made them do people’s fingerprints over and over again. In the end, she (the supervisor) began cutting up the sheets and saving the good prints and taping them together to get one good set from all the people waiting in the queue. But this has nothing to do with why her fingerprints expired although it is faintly amusing.
I remember that out of all of these people (who have training on an electronic fingerprint machine somewhere on their unexpired resumés) not one of them could speak spanish. So while I was waiting around with my wife I was asked to explain to one gentlemen that they could not take his prints because of the cuts on his fingers and he would have to return again. (At the INS returning again means filing a form to receive another appointment which could take weeks, maybe years in those days.) This poor man was explaining to me in tears that he had left work to be at this appointment and that he was a gardener and didn’t think his fingers would ever be without cuts and abrasions. They just told him to get some gloves and get out of line.
So fingerprints finally done, we went back home and awaited our next summons from the INS to have an interview prior to my wife being granted a residency. You see they have to be sure we are actually married and not trying to commit fraud. I have no problem with that. But the interview never seemed to happen. Instead six months later we got a letter saying that her fingerprints had expired.
You see after six months fingerprints are no longer good at the INS. I guess they think you might have had your hands transplanted by then. Or maybe they rubbed off and you have new ones? But the best part of the story is that because of this, they put your file back to the end of the queue for everything else. Thus making it almost a certainty that you will wait a long time for your residency, maybe even have your finger prints expire again!
So we went back to the fingerprint place and they were much faster than before. Why? Not because of the new fancy scanners. You see, they had moved since the first time, so the equipment was under dust covers waiting to be installed again. But they were faster because they had finally learned how to use an ink pad. So I bet that’s on their resumés as well.